“Scuse Me While I Kiss the Sky”
By Mike Silva ~ October 4th, 2009. Filed under: Digest Contributors.
From time to time I accept creative submissions from readers of the site and listeners of the show. Joe from Brooklyn sent me the following piece as he recaps his thoughts on the Mets season. Agree or disagree I thought it was creative. We accept all sorts of submissions so if anyone else has something to add about the Mets, Yanks, minor leagues, etc. feel free to email me.
It happened to me just the other day. It was one of those defining moments when one experiences serendipity. Perhaps, it was more of an epiphany. There it was: Jimi jamming and, then, the finger point to the sky! Jimi knew that he had just hit the electric guitar version of a home run, and he gave props to the one and only: God. How could I have been so dense? And, to my shock, intellectually addled baseball players know this principle. For crying out loud, even the bumbling Mets players know this: Carlos Beltran, Carlos Delgado, José Reyes, Angel Pagan…Wait a minute. These are Latin players. David Wright never does this. None of the other gringos on the team do this. I think Gary Sheffield tried it once after an especially gratifying home run. But, I seem to recall that it was a weak, half-hearted point to the side, and not to the sky. I noted the look on his face, as if God rebuked him for his presumptuousness: “Yo, Papi, put that finger down. You’re not down for the game.”
Holy Cow, Phil Rizzuto! Is God a Latino? Can’t be. After all, he is the “all everything”. Or, maybe is favors Latinos. Those Wilpons, they know. They hired Omar Minaya knowing full well what’s up. Heck, he could get as many Latinos as possible, and really get that God home field advantage. Those guys, they’re so cool. They have loafing and styling down to a science. Even David Wright is on board. That loaf to home plate just the other game with his big fat butt waddling was precious. And, listen to their post game interviews after an especially gratifying game of many finger points. They always preface their erudite comments with citing God first and most as the reason why.
But, wait minute. I’m getting confused again. With so many Latinos on the Mets, why are we having one miserable season after another. Is God playing a cruel joke on the fans? After all, like the rest of us, God must need some R&R once in a great while. All these pressing problems around the world! Who needs this all the time? That’s it. God is bored, and he’s playing games with us. Because, if God is responsible for those spectacular home runs, He must be also messing with the rest of the game. How else can one explain the goings on with the Mets fielders and base runners. And, those umpires! Good goodness gracious. They have never had so much trouble getting calls right. Mayor Mike Bloomberg needs to get on this case. Some of those umpires are so fat they can barely bend to get a good look at the tag plays. Yo, ump, cut the trans fats! But, I digress.
I’m thinking, though, if God is helping Latin players hit home runs, is He also the reason for the head-scratching dopey play on the field. Is God angry? That’s it. God must be pissed possibly because the finger pointing is not being used consistently, and not all of the time. Perhaps, what we need are some new rules going forward.
What I have observed requires tinkering. Finger pointing needs to be consistent, and commensurate with results. Carlos Beltran gives God the single finger after making it to first base safely without hurting his knee (Oops, that didn’t sound right. Sorry, God). That’s good. He shows God gratitude for even the smallest achievements. He gives God the double finger, after a home run. Ok, better, but what about other achievements on the field. Shouldn’t the number of upraised fingers indicate the number of bases that God gifts them. What about those spectacular fielding plays? Shouldn’t there be a finger for that? Jose Reyes (when he’s not grabbing his hamstring) really gives it to God after a home run. He gives Him the finger plus a lively version of the cha cha before ducking into the dugout. God must really love that one. Unfortunately, the gringos on the field for the other team don’t always appreciate it. K-Rod has the right idea, but I think he’s a bit extreme and inconsistent. His props to the Almighty after not blowing a three run lead is to raise all his fingers way up in the air, while blowing kisses. I can just see God beaming at this great display of adoration. What about a real clutch single run save? There’s got to be something more than that. Good God, God must need to use all his omnipotence to make this happen. K-Rod is not any easy save candidate, Homes. Again, I digress.
So, what’s the answer to these conundrums called the Mets. I know, how about starting with the concept of more baseball and less religion on the field. You think God would get angry? I’ll take my chances with Him. Along this line, here are my top five suggestions for improving the Mets:
- Replace Jerry Manuel immediately. His smacking of his lips before enlightening us with his wisdom after another particularly brutal loss is, frankly, grossing me out. Yo, Jerry, clean up your act!
- Replace all the coaches. What the heck is a Razor Shines? And, frankly, Hojo wasn’t exactly the most prolific hitter the Mets have had. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he hit a lot of home runs! But, I remember him striking out a lot also. Oh my God, David, do you think…? Nah.
- Bring the fences in or institute mandatory steroids therapy. Why should we be the only team playing by the rules! Or, not playing by the rules! You know what I mean.
- Immediately terminate geriatric recruiting. The Mets should focus more on high schools and colleges for their talent instead of politically connected assisted care homes.
- Get more players who actually have a pair of you know what. Where do we find these people?
Well, I’m done with my year-end rant. Scuse me while I turn off the Mets game on TV, and take a nap. Wait, I just took a nap. Good God, I think they finally got to me for the first time since 1962. Yeah, I’m that old, thank you very much! See you next year for more fun and games. Or, more fun and no games? Heck, you know what I mean!
